RE: In urgent need of your assistance

Subject: In urgent need of your assistance
Date: Tue, 31 May 2011 09:01:41 +1000
From: jenny-ann.toribio@sydneu.auTo:

I am Mrs. Mary Abery, a devoted Christian. I am in the process of setting up a charity foundation but due to my health condition I would need somebody to help me finish it. Please reply to my Private email address: abery_m@rogers.com for more details.

Remain Blessed
Mrs. Mary Abery

  

Sent: Thursday, July 07, 2011 4:44 PM
To: abery_m@rogers.com
Subject: re: In urgent need of your assistance

Mrs. Abery,

I would love to help you set up a charity. I have an idea  about what kind of charity we could make.

First of all, I am tired of seeing homeless people around. I think we should try to solve this problem. It seems like it would be hard to actually give them all homes - so I think we could "eliminate" the homeless in another way. We could kill all of them - and turn them into a high-protein stew of some kind. We could use the stew to feed any remaining homeless people that we we're unable to catch - or perhaps sell it as a high end dog food.

I know what you're thinking - how will we round up all the homeless? We can rent a bus, and we'll put a pile of quarters and booze - and if it's the Christmas season, candy canes - inside it. When the hobos hear it rattling down the street, and smell the sweet, sweet liquor inside, they will immediately get on board. I know it will be costly to make a large pile of quarters, but we can put quarters on top, and then nickels underneath. They won't catch on, because they are too tired from being homeless.

I will construct a giant machine to convert the hobo meat into a stew, so you don't have to worry about it.  It will be made mostly of legos.

I know its a bold plan - so if you have any better suggestions, let me know. I will go to the laundromat and start converting my money into quarters now to save time for later.

Please stay healthy long enough for the sweet smell of hobo meat to fill your nostrils,

Douglas

RE: Terrible Vacation............

From: Jonathan Lung [mailto:jonathanlung@sbclkglobal.net]

To: Doug Bellows
Sent: Friday, June 10, 2011 7:50 AM
Subject: Terrible Vacation.................Jonathan Lung

Hi,   Just writing to let you know our trip to London, England has been a mess. We were having a great time until last night when we got mugged and lost all my cash,credit card cell phone.It has been a scary experience, I was hit at the back of my neck with a club. Anyway,I'm still alive and that's what's important. I'm financially strapped right now and need your help, i need you to loan me some money, I'll refund it to you as soon as we arrive home.Write me back so i can tell you how to get it to me. Jonathan Lung

 

Sent: Friday, June 10, 2011 9:38 AM
To: jonathanlung@sbclkglobal.net
Subject: RE: Terrible Vacation.................Jonathan Lung

Jonathan,

Thank you for sharing your tragic tale - it was a good move to contact a complete stranger rather than police, friends or family. I'm really glad you're still alive. Mainly because if you had emailed me as a ghost, I would have been terrified. I have always been very afraid of ghosts. One time I even thought I was a ghost... I found out several weeks later that I just had mono.

I am happy to tell you that I am actually a Hollywood movie producer - and I would like to make a movie about your experience. After all, your story has everything: England, mugging, and people getting hit in the neck. To spice it up, instead of England it would be set in the center of the earth, and you will get mugged by glowing lava-people. It will be called "Johnny Lung and the Magma Man Mugging." It will be like a combination of X-Men, Fraggle Rock, and a dream I had about a crazy world where horses ride people.

Please give me your personal information, and I will send you two plane tickets to Los Angeles. I'm thinking you could be the star of the film. Your email made you sound ruggedly handsome. If it turns out you're ugly, I will mock you - then hit you with a club in the neck and take all of your belongings. If you're good looking, I will buy you ice cream. Do you prefer soft serve? If not, I will hit you with a club in the neck and take all of your belongings.

In the meantime, we should probably tell the police. I have already created a line-up of potential suspects that I have attached to the email.

I can't wait to hear back from you. You're my new best friend... possibly more if things go well.

XOXO,

Douglas Bellows

Hollywood Producer/ Exotic Reptile Handler

RE: OFFICIAL NOTIFICATION FROM THE FBI CALIFORNIA DEPT.

From: info@ic.fbi.gov
Subject: OFFICIAL NOTIFICATION FROM THE FBI CALIFORNIA DEPT.
Date: Wed, 25 May 2011 16:30:03 -0700

FBI SEEKING TO WIRETAP INTERNET

                                      

             OFFICIAL NOTIFICATION FROM FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION CALIFORNIA DEPT.

ATTENTION:

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). Through our intelligence monitoring network has discovered that your contract payment is legal. Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via Atm Card and delivered to you. So, we the Federal Bureau of Investigation California Dept, in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department have investigated through our monitoring network noting that your this payment is legitimate.

You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your fund US$7,000,000.00 (Seven Million United States Dollars) Because of so much scam going on in Nigeria. We have contact the FedEx Courier Service Company in Nigeria for them to give us their procedures on how to send this money to you without any further complain or delay. We just got an information from the Central Bank of Nigeria and they have loaded your US$7,000,000.00 in ATM CARD and submit to the FedEx Courier Service Company for immediate delivery to your doorstep.

Get back to us for further proceedings.

Best Regards,

Agent Morris Cohen

Federal Bureau of Investigation

450 Golden Gate Avenue

13th Floor

San Francisco, CA 94102-9523

Phone: (415) 315 9458

 Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2011 4:52 PM
To: info@ic.fbi.gov
Subject: RE: OFFICIAL NOTIFICATION FROM THE FBI CALIFORNIA DEPT.

Agent Cohen,

I'm not surprised you contacted me. I am excellent at the board game clue - and have always felt it would translate well to investigating real criminal activity. Although you didn't ask specifically, I can read between the lines and see that you are in fact offering me 7 million dollars to become a super-secret fbi agent. I will accept - but I will require my own custom badge. I have attached an illustration - please have your badge manufacturers get on this immediately.

Now - as for our problem with the Nigerians, I think I can handle it. I took some Tae-Bo classes nine years ago, and I think I still remember most of it. I will have to carry a boombox with me - I have trouble with the kicks without a beat. I would use earphones, but I have very small ear canals. I have to make my own q-tips. They consist mainly of pipe cleaners, glitter and elbow macaroni.

I was also a little concerned about working directly with the United Nations. I can't stand belgians - and I have heard belgians work at the UN. They're a bunch of waffle making freaks - and if they're involved, its a deal breaker. Assuming that won't be a problem, I will go rent a copy of Men in Black to mentally prepare myself for active duty.

Lastly, I like the name Morris. It makes me imagine you being very handsome. You probably even have a mustache, and if I kissed you on the mouth it would probably tickle. We probably shouldn't do that on the first day though, it might seem weird.

Can't wait to get started,

Agent Morris Douglasbellows