Saturday, July 28, 2012

RE: Registration Proclamation

(NOTE: for simplicity, the junk mail is in blue, and my replies are in black)
From: jack [mailto:jack@tz-nic.com]
Sent: Wednesday, May 11, 2011 8:50 PM
Subject: Registration Proclamation
Importance: High
(If you are not in charge of this please transfer this email to your President or appropriate person, thanks)
Dear President,
We are the department of Asian Domain registration service in china, have something to confirm with you. We formally received an application on  May 10, 2011. One company which self-styled "Kidcos Inc" were applying to register "globex" as Network Brand and following domain names:
globex.cn   
globex.co.in   
globex.com.cn   
globex.com.tw   
globex.hk   
globex.in   
globex.net.cn   
globex.org.cn   
globex.tw  
After our initial checking, we found the name were similar to your company's, so we need to check with you whether your company has authorized that company to register these names. If you authorized this, we will finish the registration at once. If you did not authorize, please let us know within 7 workdays, so that we will handle this issue better. Out of the time limit we will unconditionally finish the registration for "Kidcos Inc".
Best Regards,
                                   
Jack Hong
Registration Dept.
Address:5/F,The East Building, No.4 HaiJiaoShi Street,JinJiang District,ChengDu.China

----- Original Message -----
From: Doug Bellows
To: jack
Date: 2011-05-12, 21:55:18
Subject: RE: Registration Proclamation

Mr. Hong,

Kidcos Inc is our arch rival. Those bastards!  They will stop at nothing to destroy our company. One time, they tried to burn down our headquarters - but we stopped them. This other time, they had a big party and didn't invite us. It made us very sad.

We must stop them from registering these domain names. The fate of Globex depends on it.
May the sun shine glowing beams of light through your eyes and into your soul - warming it like a bowl of hot soup,

Love,

Dr. Douglas Phinneas Bellows IV
President/Lead Zombie Scientist
Globex Inc.

From: jack [mailto:jack@tz-nic.com]
Sent: Thursday, May 12, 2011 7:58 PM
To: Doug Bellows
Subject: Re: RE: Registration Proclamation
Importance: High

Dear Sir,

we conclude that company "Kidcos Inc" is your emulant familiar with some information about your company, or "Kidcos Inc" is most likely to intend preempting registration of Domain names in advance, to use in unknown purpose in future.
Accordingly we suggest that to register these domain names by yourself is the best way of protecting intellectual property rights. if you need to register those domain names under your company name please contact us in time, then we'll help you to register and protect those domains.
Best Regards,

Jack Hong 

P Please consider the environment before you print this e-mail.



Mr. Hong,

At first, I agreed that we should quickly purchase those domain names before our smelly rival, Kidcos Inc, can get their tiny hands on them. Recently, on Facebook, Kidcos told one of their friends that Globex is a bunch of dorks. It hurt me, because they are obviously the ones that are dorks. OMG. Also, this other time, we were looking at pornography on our computer, and they totally walked in without knocking.

After careful thought, I got an idea: instead of buying the domain names, we should launch a ninja attack on them. We will pay you and your associates $40 each to storm their headquarters (which will henceforth be referred to as their fortress). We will also provide Globex branded ninja-outfits. You must provide any katana, swords or cross bows. We will provide nunchucks - but only the two ends. You must provide the chain/string that connects them. I would suggest attacking at dawn... or maybe a little later than dawn. You're going to want a good breakfast - their fortress is well protected. I heard they have a robotic pterodactyl that drowns its enemies with milkshakes. This may not sound bad - but the milkshakes are too thick and of poor quality.

If you agree to this plan, please look across the ocean and think of me. Our deep connection will allow me to telepathically know your answer.

Godspeed my friend. May your fingers be as fierce as tiny dragons,
Dr. Douglas Phinneas Bellows IV
President/Official SpokesModel
Globex Inc.
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